Too many women treat their husband as their “little helper” – God created her for the role of helpmate, not him.
Todd Beal
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Give a man no respect and he’ll not feel your love for him. Give a man respect not earned; humility is what he’ll feel. Make his dreams your dreams – know them, strengthen them with mind and belief – and he’ll not fail to share his whole life with you, inside and out. Treat him with dignity and he will pull you in to his soul. Make him your little helper, and you’ll lose the man whose heart needs your powerful and transforming love, just as he is.
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About Todd Beal
I love truth and its facts. I love thought-provoking conversations that give both the other person and me a better understanding of a particular topic. I love to find answers to life-long questions; answers that let me see things for what they are instead of what they seem to be.
I truly enjoy being in the midst of a group of people where all individuals are joining in, where everybody is enjoying the company of each other. I relax in the company of individuals who are competent yet humble. I like to catch myself doing or saying something ridiculous and then laugh my head off.
I enjoy my church and being involved.
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This is the truth, generally. King David took a widow as his wife after she had tried this godly strategy to no avail. But then God dealt terminally with her first husband. So her godly strategy worked in the end, but not as your piece would have one expect.
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On the surface your assertion appears to be the case but scripture only tells us he was a worthless man. It provides no details concerning the history of their relationship. I will say this: it takes an open heart to receive a loving heart, something the man you speak of clearly did not have. So, if a man chooses to permanently close his heart to his wife, try as she might, he is incapable of receiving or giving love – even from or to God.
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A great thought, Todd, and one I hope people won’t misinterpret. Too much is made of “equality” between male and female, but I believe the sexes were meant to compliment and complete one another, not equal one another. You’re right that what a man needs is respect and dignity, and those should be earned. A woman has a right to high expectations of her man, and as long as he is striving for righteousness she should be right behind him, forgiving his faults and praising his triumphs. It is his duty to get better and better in his life and not regress toward the natural man. While women should offer support and kindness rather than ridicule and scorn, men should never fall back on their “position” as the “head”, and assert their place with physical dominance or by withholding support.
A modern scripture from my tradition puts it like this:
“…the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness…when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men , in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves, the spirit of the Lord is grieved, and when it is withdrawn, amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.”
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I really appreciate your entire first paragraph Michael. I want to expound on what you said.
I have seen the positive effect of “undeserved” respect. Just as a man must love his wife, giving his whole self for his wife, whether he feels she deserves it or not, so too must a woman give her man mindful respect, whether she feels he deserves it or not.
Allow me to reverse the direction. Suppose a woman is going through a difficult life period and through constant negativity and criticism, drives her man to angered silence. The best thing that man can do for both himself and his wife is tell her, face to face, specifically what he appreciates in her. It could involve expressing his appreciation for her loyalty in their marriage. If they have children he may want to tell her how much he appreciates her being a good mother, and specifically in which areas concerning which children. He may also tell her he appreciates her tender spirit. Often times, critical behavior is a person’s ill-attempted means for protecting his/her vulnerability. Once that man’s wife feels safe with him, the criticism and negativity will stop, or at least diminish considerably. Does she deserve this gratitude and love, technically no, not according to her unacceptable and disrespectful behavior toward him. But it will change her, and it will shift her focus from what she perceives as wrong to what she truly wants to be on the inside. It will also give her the desire to love him, not criticize him.
The same goes for women giving undeserved respect to men. Men often feel the need to dominate their wife because they are afraid to appear weak; or because their wife constantly challenges him, undermining his marital headship. Domination in this regard is never acceptable, but women need to understand that a man’s wellbeing truly depends on receiving respect from the woman he loves. It says to him, “You are strong and capable, and I believe in you.” Just by simply receiving sincere respect from his wife, even if “undeserved”, changes a man. His wife becomes his inner source of strength for believing in himself, and changing for the better.
Most women see respect as distancing herself, or feeling less than the other person (second class). This is not what respect means. Giving respect is restraining oneself from crossing a person’s line of safety even when they drop their guard (see the Truth Behind Reality post, A Respectful Definition). Giving respect, deserved or undeserved, tells someone, “I refuse to hurt you even when I know I can.” It takes considerable time and effort to understand in what ways, and in which personal areas, one’s spouse needs to receive respect. Each person, man or woman, needs respect according to his or her unique personality.
True, every woman must work hard to be lovable. Every man must work hard to be respectable. But self-development is our gift to our self, and others owe us no debt because of it. Just because I develop myself into a respectable man does not mean I have earned the respect of others. Giving love and giving respect is not a barter system. Neither one has anything to do with deserving or not deserving what we give or receive. Love is love, respect is respect, and choosing to withhold either one, at any time, makes us guilty of hate and disrespect. It is not our right to demand someone deserve our love and respect before giving it. Loving and respecting others is what we must do in order to keep our heart alive and also build our self-respect.
We need only refer to Christ’s example to see that we simply cannot earn everything we need. When we receive real love, it changes us, and we immediately desire to give real love in return. When we receive sincere respect, it too changes us, and we immediately desire to give sincere respect in return.
As a final thought, Jesus does not love us and treat us with respect because we have earned it. We can’t earn something that is not for sale. We can only accept it as freely given, and in turn, freely give it to others.
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1 Cor 11:3 The Head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man.
Eph 5:25 Husbands love your wives, EVEN AS Christ also loved the Church and GAVE HIMSELF for it. (a self-sacrificing love)
Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, AS unto the LORD. (a complete surrender)
As a woman who has been very happily married for 51 years I can testify that God’s plan for marriage really works. When a man loves his wife with the self-sacrificing love Christ has for His Church, the woman DELIGHTS to submit to him – and loses nothing.
There is much talk of equality of the sexes and many females DEMAND equal rights, but in my opinion they have taken backward steps and LOST the best aspects of being a woman.
Within God’s plan for marriage, there is not dominance but a working together – a partnership. The husband considers his wife’s opinions and they work things out together, but the final decision (and responsibility) is his.
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Angela,
I appreciate hearing a woman’s perspective on this controversial subject. I especially appreciate your focus on partnership. I wish every one of us could understand, as you explained, that the marital roles are designed for the happiness and well-being of both husband and wife, not their demise.
Few men truly understand what it means to give their whole self to their wife. Likewise, few women truly understand what it means to, as you said, “submit yourselves to your own husbands, AS unto the LORD (a complete surrender)”. Boiled down to its bare essence, this command, as Paul thoroughly laid out in Ephesians 5:22-33, means nothing other than complete personal surrender to one’s spouse. Husbands are to give their whole self to their wife because she is his own flesh, and wives are to submit to their husband in all things because he is her head. This is not rocket science. A husband and wife are literally becoming two beings in one (physically and spiritually); just as God the Father and Jesus the Son are truly one, yet two distinct personages. God’s commands are not meant to demean us, or to lessen our worth. They are not meant to take away our individuality or to make us gravel in self-degrading homage; quite the contrary. God commands us to do and be only what will make us emulate his nature, his personality, his structure – after all, we are his offspring made in his image, Jesus Christ.
Angela thanks again for this excellent comment.
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Excellent comment, Angela! I wholeheartedly agree with your point of view, on this topic. As I read Todd’s article, and the comments that followed, the Scripture that you mentioned in Ephesians, came to mind! Thank you for sharing!
Paulette
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Thanks for the expansion on your original thoughts, Todd. That makes me think about Jesus’ instruction to “turn the other cheek” as applying not to a physical slap in the face, but more a response to a slight or lack of respect that might be unearned. A truly strong man will be able to turn his bruised face away and offer his uninjured, undamaged side as a response. Sometimes we just have to keep turning and turning before we get through to our companion the point that we will not fight or escalate.
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Wow!
| A truly strong man will be able to turn his bruised face away and offer his uninjured, undamaged side as a response. Sometimes we just have to keep turning and turning before we get through to our companion the point that we will not fight or escalate. |
Thanks for this Michael. I cried while reading it. Truly, this is following Jesus example. This is true love.
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I can add little except to say dittos to Angela. That’s a powerful testimony.
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